Monday, December 27, 2010
Christmas Thought 2010
I cried outloud today after watching Evie's video. I missed her for Christmas. I laid on the floor and Evanlee brought me a pillow, a blanket and a stuffed animal so I could go to sleep. What a strange life it is to walk on an edge of an abyss. On one side full of joy and other the other a deep sadness.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Back in Pasadena
Well here we are again back at the hospital...
I think everthing is fine but were being safe. I'm not going to type too much but I do want post this for refernce I think I need to start a new blog because I want to type directly to my second child but this is Evie Mali's blog.
I think everthing is fine but were being safe. I'm not going to type too much but I do want post this for refernce I think I need to start a new blog because I want to type directly to my second child but this is Evie Mali's blog.
Friday, November 7, 2008
mama's birthday
I don't know who else I can write to except you Evie. Right now I'm in
the same place I was 6 months ago the morning you were born. This time
your mom is here with your baby brother or sister at 14 weeks. It's
also your mama's birthday.
the same place I was 6 months ago the morning you were born. This time
your mom is here with your baby brother or sister at 14 weeks. It's
also your mama's birthday.
I know I should be writing all this for your brother or sister to read
but I know who you are and I just don't know how to overcome my fears
of my words being lost.
We're in a room across from the neo natal icu - the place where I saw
you last and directly behind me is the room you were born in.
There is a flood of emotion being here but your mama is being strong again.
Anyway she is being preped for a circlouse. I don't know what else to
write that can't be assumed. I'm worried and being here is difficult.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Trying to be parents again
This is harder than it was before.
I want to jump in here and talk to you. Tell you how I feel. Your sister died roughly four months ago. I'm in a different state of mind now. As I type this I'm full of fears. Do I dare start writing my thoughts down to you? If I do, who am I talking to? I used to be able to picture your sister to some extent. At least I had an idea of who I thought she might be. Now I'm torn between talking to a baby I don't know yet, or an adult I may never know.
Fear.
I tell your mother not to worry, not to be fearful, but positive. We lost Evie Mali, but we won't surrender our parenthood.
This is honestly difficult to write. Today we did the IVF and I simply am cautious with my words. If I speak to you as I spoke to Evie Mali, will my heart end up breaking again? If I go to film each moment will I feel the same wonder and magic or only fear each time the blue screen comes up?
Fear.
It honestly has me in it's web and I have to fight it. I think I'll wait until we at least know you're truly a possibility. And when that time comes I'll push away the fear and await your arrival.
Truth be told... I'm scared.
I want to jump in here and talk to you. Tell you how I feel. Your sister died roughly four months ago. I'm in a different state of mind now. As I type this I'm full of fears. Do I dare start writing my thoughts down to you? If I do, who am I talking to? I used to be able to picture your sister to some extent. At least I had an idea of who I thought she might be. Now I'm torn between talking to a baby I don't know yet, or an adult I may never know.
Fear.
I tell your mother not to worry, not to be fearful, but positive. We lost Evie Mali, but we won't surrender our parenthood.
This is honestly difficult to write. Today we did the IVF and I simply am cautious with my words. If I speak to you as I spoke to Evie Mali, will my heart end up breaking again? If I go to film each moment will I feel the same wonder and magic or only fear each time the blue screen comes up?
Fear.
It honestly has me in it's web and I have to fight it. I think I'll wait until we at least know you're truly a possibility. And when that time comes I'll push away the fear and await your arrival.
Truth be told... I'm scared.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Saying Goodbye.
I don't know where I last left off.
I didn't look back and read anything today was the hardest day of my life. And writing this just got even harder knowing you'll never read these words.
I'm not going to go crazy tonight writing mad words of hurt, anger, or sadness.
I'm just going to write my final thoughts to you as you lie sleeping yards away.
This morning you had low blood pressure and we were called in the early morning. Your mama and I went down to you and stood by your bed. Lorilee worked on you continuasly all day, try to get your stats to a stable set of numbers.
Your aunt Sue later went down and sat with your mama and then later on auntie Tooktook came down with me and we watching you quietly sleeping while Lorilee kept working on you. Your Auntie Peejai prayed by the window. Your auntie Tooktook cried a little - something she rarely does - she loves you as do we all.
We were notified that it was very possible that their is blood in your stomach from the operation. They called Dr. Stein in to reevaulate you.
Before they did that they took xrays and checked your brain.
The doctors later came to see us in our room. Mama family was here. He notified us that your brain was had bleed. He tried to explain the different types of bleeding. Both doctors were scencere and I could tell they didn't want to tell us the facts - but I knew it was better to hear the truth now then to pretend that everything was going to be okay.
The doctor's explain that earlier you had level 3 bleeding in the brain. They later came back after doing another scan and verified that you had not only a level 4 bleed in the brain, but your ceribella area was bleeding as well.
I told them I understand. They left leaving us to cry. As I held your mama and told her I'm sorry I can't fix it, that we had to let you go.
Right now I picture you sleeping - and I wish I could read this to you so I knew you at least got to hear your daddy's words. I wish I could do that - but I don't think I would through more than 3 words. I can barely write this.
Anyway it's almost 9pm I assume your stats are stable, but my little girl Evie Mali has gone with God, or maybe you're just waiting a bit longer to say goodbye to your mama and your daddy.
Over the 6 days we had to spend with you - I saw you make expressions, hold your mama's hand, kick your legs, sleepy with your hands on your chest, and sometimes with your hand on your chest. I heard you cry once at your birth, and I saw you open your eyes to look at no one else but your mama - when you heard her voice. When you heard my voice you made mean eye brows, I like to think that it was because I used to wake you up in the middle of the night and you would kick me in your mama's stomach.
For these 6 days you made my life worth so muchmore than i could ever imagine. And now on what seems like the eve of you leaving us, my heart is breaking and I know that those six days were worth every momemnt we had with you.
I like to think there is a reason God put all these good people in your path. Why such nice people watched over you and protected you and tried to make your life the best possible.
The reason eludes me right now, as you lie sleeping. It escapes me why such a little girl couldn't stay with me so much longer. I know that you gave us time to know that both your parents could be a great mama and a great daddy, but I don't understand why I didn't have more time with you to help you learn. To help you grow. To help you be the woman I know you would have been. All my day dreams of you are so vivid that knowing I'll have to put them to rest with you will be the most difficult thing in the world. I've seen you date, I've seen you sing, and dance. I've seen me be a proud papa and watch you hang around your cousins playing star wars. I heard you talk back and I've seen you smile and laugh. And now very soon we'll have to say goodbye to you and I don't understand why.
Tomorrow I'll look at you in person for the last time. You were perfect in every way. Even your name was perfect.
I love you so much - your mama loves you so much. I wish I could keep you, but to hold on to you now would not be for you, but us.
So I'll cry like i've never cried before and I'll never forget you nor will your mother your aunts or our friends.
Your 6 days touched many people. I won't ever let you truely go.
I love you sweetheart. And so hope that there truely is a time when we can meet again. You might call that lack of faith, but it's your daddy being your daddy and he doesn't understand why you couldn't stay.
I love you Evie Mali. I love everthing about you and every moment we had. Sleep with the angels. I watch over your mama and I. I think we need you far more than you ever needed us.
-Daddy Jer
I didn't look back and read anything today was the hardest day of my life. And writing this just got even harder knowing you'll never read these words.
I'm not going to go crazy tonight writing mad words of hurt, anger, or sadness.
I'm just going to write my final thoughts to you as you lie sleeping yards away.
This morning you had low blood pressure and we were called in the early morning. Your mama and I went down to you and stood by your bed. Lorilee worked on you continuasly all day, try to get your stats to a stable set of numbers.
Your aunt Sue later went down and sat with your mama and then later on auntie Tooktook came down with me and we watching you quietly sleeping while Lorilee kept working on you. Your Auntie Peejai prayed by the window. Your auntie Tooktook cried a little - something she rarely does - she loves you as do we all.
We were notified that it was very possible that their is blood in your stomach from the operation. They called Dr. Stein in to reevaulate you.
Before they did that they took xrays and checked your brain.
The doctors later came to see us in our room. Mama family was here. He notified us that your brain was had bleed. He tried to explain the different types of bleeding. Both doctors were scencere and I could tell they didn't want to tell us the facts - but I knew it was better to hear the truth now then to pretend that everything was going to be okay.
The doctor's explain that earlier you had level 3 bleeding in the brain. They later came back after doing another scan and verified that you had not only a level 4 bleed in the brain, but your ceribella area was bleeding as well.
I told them I understand. They left leaving us to cry. As I held your mama and told her I'm sorry I can't fix it, that we had to let you go.
Right now I picture you sleeping - and I wish I could read this to you so I knew you at least got to hear your daddy's words. I wish I could do that - but I don't think I would through more than 3 words. I can barely write this.
Anyway it's almost 9pm I assume your stats are stable, but my little girl Evie Mali has gone with God, or maybe you're just waiting a bit longer to say goodbye to your mama and your daddy.
Over the 6 days we had to spend with you - I saw you make expressions, hold your mama's hand, kick your legs, sleepy with your hands on your chest, and sometimes with your hand on your chest. I heard you cry once at your birth, and I saw you open your eyes to look at no one else but your mama - when you heard her voice. When you heard my voice you made mean eye brows, I like to think that it was because I used to wake you up in the middle of the night and you would kick me in your mama's stomach.
For these 6 days you made my life worth so muchmore than i could ever imagine. And now on what seems like the eve of you leaving us, my heart is breaking and I know that those six days were worth every momemnt we had with you.
I like to think there is a reason God put all these good people in your path. Why such nice people watched over you and protected you and tried to make your life the best possible.
The reason eludes me right now, as you lie sleeping. It escapes me why such a little girl couldn't stay with me so much longer. I know that you gave us time to know that both your parents could be a great mama and a great daddy, but I don't understand why I didn't have more time with you to help you learn. To help you grow. To help you be the woman I know you would have been. All my day dreams of you are so vivid that knowing I'll have to put them to rest with you will be the most difficult thing in the world. I've seen you date, I've seen you sing, and dance. I've seen me be a proud papa and watch you hang around your cousins playing star wars. I heard you talk back and I've seen you smile and laugh. And now very soon we'll have to say goodbye to you and I don't understand why.
Tomorrow I'll look at you in person for the last time. You were perfect in every way. Even your name was perfect.
I love you so much - your mama loves you so much. I wish I could keep you, but to hold on to you now would not be for you, but us.
So I'll cry like i've never cried before and I'll never forget you nor will your mother your aunts or our friends.
Your 6 days touched many people. I won't ever let you truely go.
I love you sweetheart. And so hope that there truely is a time when we can meet again. You might call that lack of faith, but it's your daddy being your daddy and he doesn't understand why you couldn't stay.
I love you Evie Mali. I love everthing about you and every moment we had. Sleep with the angels. I watch over your mama and I. I think we need you far more than you ever needed us.
-Daddy Jer
Praying for you
Evie tonight you are having an operation to fix your tiny intestine.
We're blessed tonight by having God deliver an amazing Dr. named Stein.
He's saved many children i'm sure and drove in many cases many miles to do so. From meeting him I can tell that he is going to do the the best job any doctor could do.
I believe that out of all the doctors in the world that could be here tonight - god put him in your path to help you come home as a healthy baby girl.
Your mama is worried sick, but I know deep in her heart she knows that God and her daddy are watching over you.
From you being at this hospital and for putting these wonderful doctor's and nurses in your path - you were meant to be here and everything that is happening is happening for a reason.
Your mama may not know it yet, but she will do all she can to make sure you are protected and safe. She is going to do her best to stay healthy for you so that you can be healthy too.
Right now it's 12:20am - I guess it's already saturday. Dr. Stein is going to operate on you. We're waiting in your mama's room to hear the good news that all is well. We've called people and sent emails. Your great grandmother, your grandmother(s), aunts, and cousins are praying for you right this minute. People I've never met are praying for you right this minute.
Your beautiful mother is praying for you. And I know not a moment passes that you are not in her thoughts. We love you very much and we know with all the prayers and God's blessing you will be well taken care of.
I've asked God that he protect you, and that he give you a path where you - yourself can one day help people - as they have helped you at this hospital. I don't know if one day you'll be a nurse or a doctor, or perhaps someone who works with children, but I know that I'll do my best to encourage you to help people as those who have and will help you.
I believe that God has a plan for you to do many great things in this world. I believe that your mama is going to teach to to be the best woman you could ever be. And I know that her heart is worried right now, but she'll be so happy when she sees you're better.
I asked your mama what she'd like me to type right now as we sit in her hospital bed - me on a laptop typing my heart to this blog, and her next to me - her warm feet near mine. She's crying a little bit because she's worried about you. However I know we just have to hold on and wait for God to show her that he's watching over you. Dr. Stein is taking good care of you right now, and soon perhaps a matter of hours - our phone will ring and your mama will feel much better.
This is going to be a longer blog entry than usual, because I want to record as much I can at this moment so you'll know later on how much your mama and daddy love you. There is no other place in the world we'd rather be than here in this hospital with you.
Your mama won't tell me what to type, so I'll just keep on typing what I'm thinking because knowing that one day you'll read this makes me feel calm and happy. Not because you'll know what happen so long ago, but so you know that every moment of your life we loved you.
Hopefully by the time you read this, I'm still good looking and your mama still loves me. Ha!
I bet you've grown up knowing several uncles. Uncle Frank,Uncle Aaron, and Uncle John. They all have special qualities that I'm sure made you smile many times and made you a happy little girl.
I know that right now sitting in this hospital room, the future seems so scary for me and your mom, but I know that there are many people God put in your path and ours for a reason.
Today auntie Tooktook introduced to a little girl named Eva which your mama tried to get me to name you! Anyway Eva was also a 24 week old baby, and she had many of the hurdles that you are having and have had. The thing is Eva is so close to your name and her situtation was much like yours there is no doubt that God had auntie Tooktook introduce us (not directly) to show us God was giving us a sign, that although you may have tough times, you're going to be alright.
It's now 12:40am and I'm still typing, I don't think I've ever typed so many thoughts at one time. Your mama is watching and listening as I type, and maybe just crying a little bit too. I think she knows that what I'm typing is true, but mama's always worry a lot about their babys even if they know that God is watching over them. Your daddy is trying to be strong but he's also very scared.
Your mama just rubbed my hand when I typed that. I think she's trying to comfort daddy too.
Anyway, your mama is reminding me that we should thank God for all these good things this week. From bring you here to this hospital to having your aunties help your mama get through a hard week. And especially for all the good people who are taking care of you, and for those good people who pray for you each day to make sure you come home a healthy happy little girl.
So I'll type it as I say it. Thank you God for looking out for my new family. Thank you for all the people I've talked about. Thank you for those people I don't know. And thank you for those people who you've set in our path.
Your mama is trying to hard to have faith. However I think she has a hard time some times - not because she doesn't believe, but because sometime when you worry so much about someone you love, you forget that sometimes it's best to let God help you through the fear and the worry. It's not easy, not even for daddy who to be honest rarely speaks of God. However, one thing daddy knows is all the good things that have happen to daddy were not by luck or chance, but by God looking out for daddy or maybe God has Angels looking out for daddy and his family. All I know my sweet baby Evie is that there is no way that your daddy made it this far alone.
I sometimes forget as I type this that you're a grown woman now, not just a little baby girl that I'm worried sick about. Hopefully you'll look past my words and understand that as I typed this I was thinking of the sweet little girl that is being saved by a man named Dr. Stein and Daddy's Angels.
Your mama is telling me about her feelings. She's scared and I'll never be able to write all she is saying- but she loves you more than I could ever type.
We're blessed tonight by having God deliver an amazing Dr. named Stein.
He's saved many children i'm sure and drove in many cases many miles to do so. From meeting him I can tell that he is going to do the the best job any doctor could do.
I believe that out of all the doctors in the world that could be here tonight - god put him in your path to help you come home as a healthy baby girl.
Your mama is worried sick, but I know deep in her heart she knows that God and her daddy are watching over you.
From you being at this hospital and for putting these wonderful doctor's and nurses in your path - you were meant to be here and everything that is happening is happening for a reason.
Your mama may not know it yet, but she will do all she can to make sure you are protected and safe. She is going to do her best to stay healthy for you so that you can be healthy too.
Right now it's 12:20am - I guess it's already saturday. Dr. Stein is going to operate on you. We're waiting in your mama's room to hear the good news that all is well. We've called people and sent emails. Your great grandmother, your grandmother(s), aunts, and cousins are praying for you right this minute. People I've never met are praying for you right this minute.
Your beautiful mother is praying for you. And I know not a moment passes that you are not in her thoughts. We love you very much and we know with all the prayers and God's blessing you will be well taken care of.
I've asked God that he protect you, and that he give you a path where you - yourself can one day help people - as they have helped you at this hospital. I don't know if one day you'll be a nurse or a doctor, or perhaps someone who works with children, but I know that I'll do my best to encourage you to help people as those who have and will help you.
I believe that God has a plan for you to do many great things in this world. I believe that your mama is going to teach to to be the best woman you could ever be. And I know that her heart is worried right now, but she'll be so happy when she sees you're better.
I asked your mama what she'd like me to type right now as we sit in her hospital bed - me on a laptop typing my heart to this blog, and her next to me - her warm feet near mine. She's crying a little bit because she's worried about you. However I know we just have to hold on and wait for God to show her that he's watching over you. Dr. Stein is taking good care of you right now, and soon perhaps a matter of hours - our phone will ring and your mama will feel much better.
This is going to be a longer blog entry than usual, because I want to record as much I can at this moment so you'll know later on how much your mama and daddy love you. There is no other place in the world we'd rather be than here in this hospital with you.
Your mama won't tell me what to type, so I'll just keep on typing what I'm thinking because knowing that one day you'll read this makes me feel calm and happy. Not because you'll know what happen so long ago, but so you know that every moment of your life we loved you.
Hopefully by the time you read this, I'm still good looking and your mama still loves me. Ha!
I bet you've grown up knowing several uncles. Uncle Frank,Uncle Aaron, and Uncle John. They all have special qualities that I'm sure made you smile many times and made you a happy little girl.
I know that right now sitting in this hospital room, the future seems so scary for me and your mom, but I know that there are many people God put in your path and ours for a reason.
Today auntie Tooktook introduced to a little girl named Eva which your mama tried to get me to name you! Anyway Eva was also a 24 week old baby, and she had many of the hurdles that you are having and have had. The thing is Eva is so close to your name and her situtation was much like yours there is no doubt that God had auntie Tooktook introduce us (not directly) to show us God was giving us a sign, that although you may have tough times, you're going to be alright.
It's now 12:40am and I'm still typing, I don't think I've ever typed so many thoughts at one time. Your mama is watching and listening as I type, and maybe just crying a little bit too. I think she knows that what I'm typing is true, but mama's always worry a lot about their babys even if they know that God is watching over them. Your daddy is trying to be strong but he's also very scared.
Your mama just rubbed my hand when I typed that. I think she's trying to comfort daddy too.
Anyway, your mama is reminding me that we should thank God for all these good things this week. From bring you here to this hospital to having your aunties help your mama get through a hard week. And especially for all the good people who are taking care of you, and for those good people who pray for you each day to make sure you come home a healthy happy little girl.
So I'll type it as I say it. Thank you God for looking out for my new family. Thank you for all the people I've talked about. Thank you for those people I don't know. And thank you for those people who you've set in our path.
Your mama is trying to hard to have faith. However I think she has a hard time some times - not because she doesn't believe, but because sometime when you worry so much about someone you love, you forget that sometimes it's best to let God help you through the fear and the worry. It's not easy, not even for daddy who to be honest rarely speaks of God. However, one thing daddy knows is all the good things that have happen to daddy were not by luck or chance, but by God looking out for daddy or maybe God has Angels looking out for daddy and his family. All I know my sweet baby Evie is that there is no way that your daddy made it this far alone.
I sometimes forget as I type this that you're a grown woman now, not just a little baby girl that I'm worried sick about. Hopefully you'll look past my words and understand that as I typed this I was thinking of the sweet little girl that is being saved by a man named Dr. Stein and Daddy's Angels.
Your mama is telling me about her feelings. She's scared and I'll never be able to write all she is saying- but she loves you more than I could ever type.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Auntie Tooktook and Scarying Mama
Well today is officially Friday. It's past 3pm and you've already taken your last dose of Medicine. Tomorrow they will check your heart and if God's willing your little heart valve will be as it should be.
Today you also scared your mama. She was speaking to you and your little heart jumped up and your O2 level fell. You became a little too active. From now on I think you're mama will be fearful of speaking to you. Hopefully you'll get bigger soon and be able to enjoy your mama's voice and touch.
Auntie Tooktook also came to visit you today. She's not one to show emotion, but I can tell she can't wait to spoil you. I thought that she might see you and then want to go, but she stood over you - her hands clasped and spoke about buying you dresses and teaching you about dogs. She's also an English teacher so that will come in handy too :)
Your Auntie Peejai stood by the window and prayed for you. She said she did quite a few prayers.
Your mama and I will come back down to see you later tonight - but I'd figure I'd write a bit now a little less later - maybe get some extra sleep for the weekend.
I think I'll so a status report after we visit. Just in case things change before we go to bed. All in all you're doing pretty good and after I went down just a few minutes ago - you were kicking and moving about - you even knocked off your eye cover. I actually put it back on and it felt good to do that for you. I can't wait to hold you and fall asleep in the couch we still don't have...
Love ya.
-Daddy Jer
Today you also scared your mama. She was speaking to you and your little heart jumped up and your O2 level fell. You became a little too active. From now on I think you're mama will be fearful of speaking to you. Hopefully you'll get bigger soon and be able to enjoy your mama's voice and touch.
Auntie Tooktook also came to visit you today. She's not one to show emotion, but I can tell she can't wait to spoil you. I thought that she might see you and then want to go, but she stood over you - her hands clasped and spoke about buying you dresses and teaching you about dogs. She's also an English teacher so that will come in handy too :)
Your Auntie Peejai stood by the window and prayed for you. She said she did quite a few prayers.
Your mama and I will come back down to see you later tonight - but I'd figure I'd write a bit now a little less later - maybe get some extra sleep for the weekend.
I think I'll so a status report after we visit. Just in case things change before we go to bed. All in all you're doing pretty good and after I went down just a few minutes ago - you were kicking and moving about - you even knocked off your eye cover. I actually put it back on and it felt good to do that for you. I can't wait to hold you and fall asleep in the couch we still don't have...
Love ya.
-Daddy Jer
It's almost Friday well actually it is.
I think my daily email from flickr to all the folks praying for you somes up what's going on currently. (See below)
Currently I have to say that I'm getting scared for you. I haven't been searching the internet too much. Mostly scared what I'll find.
Truth be told I'm already scared. I think the reality is starting to settle in form both your mama and myself. The reality that bad things could happen to our little girl. You're so tiny. And there seems like a million days between knowing you're coming home healthy and sound.
You sure do look tough in there. You stretch your legs and you move about and sometimes I forget that you're in danger. Somehow my brain just tells me you're small and you just need to go. I forget that each hour of the day your body is slowly adapting to this new world you're in and you just were not ready for it yet.
I'm praying in my heart that this medicine will do its job without hurting you. And then whatever comes next that you pull through unscathed. I'm being selfish in my heart because I want you to be perfect.
I want to see you do something I haven't been able to do - to make a difference in this world.
I'm careful when I say this because I believe sometimes the way God works - is you ask for something like that and it comes true, but not the way you invisioned. I'm not asking for him to help you inspire me to make a difference or for you to make a difference by simply pulling through and dealing with life long obstacles. I'm selfish and I'm asking for you to be a healthy little girl who grows up to be a healthy adult - who then goes out and makes a difference in people lives. I want to watch you be a better person that I could ever imagine to be. I want to talk to you and hold you and love you everyday. I want to teach you how special your life is, how lucky you are to be healthy and happy. And in the end I want you to spread that knowledge, life, and love in ways that only a loving heart can.
I'm asking for so much when I know that in the same room you sleep now are other babies working so hard to live just like you, and parents praying and asking for the same things as I am.
I don't know if I'm asking for too much, I don't know if I'm being just selfish and greedy - all I know is I dream of the strong woman you'll become. A person who'll make a difference in people's lives.
Evie Mali Mary
Life Flower Strength
Your name is everything I've imagined you to be.
I love you sweetheart, I know you're doing your best for your daddy and mama.
Flickr Email:
"Tomorrow marks week 25 and day 6 of Evie beingout in the big world.Today they started her on medicine to close her heart valve - this will prevent a host of other problems. Her current condition is called PDA. Her first dose was given at 3pm her next will be at 3am and then another at 3pm on friday.
I'm told that premature babies have a grace period and then things will get complicated. She'll have scary bad days and stable good days.
So far with your prayers she is doing very well.
She weighs about 1 pound 4 ounces. Her chest/throat should be clearing up - but the new medicine for her hear valve could introduce new problems. Likely related to the kidneys. They'll monitor carefully and on saturday they will do a heart scan to see if the medicine will work. From there depending on her body's reaction she made get another dose if nothing has changed or an operation to close the valve with a pin.
Your thoughts and prayers are needed and welcomed.
Thank you all.
A few new pics of Evie stretching her legs have been added.-jer"
Currently I have to say that I'm getting scared for you. I haven't been searching the internet too much. Mostly scared what I'll find.
Truth be told I'm already scared. I think the reality is starting to settle in form both your mama and myself. The reality that bad things could happen to our little girl. You're so tiny. And there seems like a million days between knowing you're coming home healthy and sound.
You sure do look tough in there. You stretch your legs and you move about and sometimes I forget that you're in danger. Somehow my brain just tells me you're small and you just need to go. I forget that each hour of the day your body is slowly adapting to this new world you're in and you just were not ready for it yet.
I'm praying in my heart that this medicine will do its job without hurting you. And then whatever comes next that you pull through unscathed. I'm being selfish in my heart because I want you to be perfect.
I want to see you do something I haven't been able to do - to make a difference in this world.
I'm careful when I say this because I believe sometimes the way God works - is you ask for something like that and it comes true, but not the way you invisioned. I'm not asking for him to help you inspire me to make a difference or for you to make a difference by simply pulling through and dealing with life long obstacles. I'm selfish and I'm asking for you to be a healthy little girl who grows up to be a healthy adult - who then goes out and makes a difference in people lives. I want to watch you be a better person that I could ever imagine to be. I want to talk to you and hold you and love you everyday. I want to teach you how special your life is, how lucky you are to be healthy and happy. And in the end I want you to spread that knowledge, life, and love in ways that only a loving heart can.
I'm asking for so much when I know that in the same room you sleep now are other babies working so hard to live just like you, and parents praying and asking for the same things as I am.
I don't know if I'm asking for too much, I don't know if I'm being just selfish and greedy - all I know is I dream of the strong woman you'll become. A person who'll make a difference in people's lives.
Evie Mali Mary
Life Flower Strength
Your name is everything I've imagined you to be.
I love you sweetheart, I know you're doing your best for your daddy and mama.
Flickr Email:
"Tomorrow marks week 25 and day 6 of Evie beingout in the big world.Today they started her on medicine to close her heart valve - this will prevent a host of other problems. Her current condition is called PDA. Her first dose was given at 3pm her next will be at 3am and then another at 3pm on friday.
I'm told that premature babies have a grace period and then things will get complicated. She'll have scary bad days and stable good days.
So far with your prayers she is doing very well.
She weighs about 1 pound 4 ounces. Her chest/throat should be clearing up - but the new medicine for her hear valve could introduce new problems. Likely related to the kidneys. They'll monitor carefully and on saturday they will do a heart scan to see if the medicine will work. From there depending on her body's reaction she made get another dose if nothing has changed or an operation to close the valve with a pin.
Your thoughts and prayers are needed and welcomed.
Thank you all.
A few new pics of Evie stretching her legs have been added.-jer"
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wed Has Come and Gone
Well Wed. is over with. Today was a nice day. You're doing well although your heart murmur hasn't gone away. Your mama changed your diapers again. Daddy just touched your head. He's kind of a chicken and he doesn't like poking you. I like nice stable stats.
Your daddy's coworkers/friends came to visit and take me out to lunch. It was nice to get away from the hospital to the outside world just for a little while. Not to be away from you, but just to get some air and know that time is passing, and that of course you are growing. Inside the hospital time tends to stand still the clock moves - but the day never seems to really move on to the next.
Your mama is praying next to me. She prays for you all the time. Along with many other people I don't even know.
I wish I could pray, but for me it feels like I'd only be asking for something that's already been decided. God I have no doubt has a plan for you. I believe it's to do great things. My fears are of course in the back of my head, but watching you move around I can see your strength. You're aware of your hands and your feet, you seem so much more aware of yourself than even he new borns I see down the hall. Such a strong little girl - surely God has something special planned for you.
I'm a bit sleepy, so I'll bid you a goodnight. My mind doesn't stop thinking about you and I doubt it ever will.
Daddy Jer
Your daddy's coworkers/friends came to visit and take me out to lunch. It was nice to get away from the hospital to the outside world just for a little while. Not to be away from you, but just to get some air and know that time is passing, and that of course you are growing. Inside the hospital time tends to stand still the clock moves - but the day never seems to really move on to the next.
Your mama is praying next to me. She prays for you all the time. Along with many other people I don't even know.
I wish I could pray, but for me it feels like I'd only be asking for something that's already been decided. God I have no doubt has a plan for you. I believe it's to do great things. My fears are of course in the back of my head, but watching you move around I can see your strength. You're aware of your hands and your feet, you seem so much more aware of yourself than even he new borns I see down the hall. Such a strong little girl - surely God has something special planned for you.
I'm a bit sleepy, so I'll bid you a goodnight. My mind doesn't stop thinking about you and I doubt it ever will.
Daddy Jer
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Something I forgot about Monday.
As if my days and nights weren't already a blur. I've made this blog an out of order mess as well.
Anyway, I just wanted to update what else happened on Monday (Yesturday)
I forgot to include your auntie Sena and Uncle Kevin came to visit you. You're aunt Sena didn't visit you directly because she feared she might have a cold. Your cousins Wyatt and Austin are always getting a cold. Wyatt can't wait to meet you. He's almost 10 and he thinks you're going to be beautiful. Both Austin and Wyatt have made you cards, actually to be more specific "Star Wars" cards. Hopefully you'll love Star Wars as much as we do. :)
Anyway, I need to go to bed. It's actually Tuesday night - I just wanted to update what I missed about Monday. Tomorrow I'll see if I can put your cousins card near you - I'm sure Wyatt and Austin can't wait to play lightsabors with you.
Anyway, I just wanted to update what else happened on Monday (Yesturday)
I forgot to include your auntie Sena and Uncle Kevin came to visit you. You're aunt Sena didn't visit you directly because she feared she might have a cold. Your cousins Wyatt and Austin are always getting a cold. Wyatt can't wait to meet you. He's almost 10 and he thinks you're going to be beautiful. Both Austin and Wyatt have made you cards, actually to be more specific "Star Wars" cards. Hopefully you'll love Star Wars as much as we do. :)
Anyway, I need to go to bed. It's actually Tuesday night - I just wanted to update what I missed about Monday. Tomorrow I'll see if I can put your cousins card near you - I'm sure Wyatt and Austin can't wait to play lightsabors with you.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I don't know know what happy to Sunday...
I can't think anymore.
Oh Sunday we had Jodie visit us. Jodie was a premature baby more than thirty years ago. She's a healthy woman. She talked to us about touching you. And about talking to you. I think we learned a lot about calming you and maybe a lot about calming ourselves.
I think that covers Sunday - but I can't really say - already days and nights are starting to blur.
Today is Tuesday. Week 24.4 and I have to tell you for all I know it could be Sunday still. Today you had your picc line put in by Lorilee. Lorilee seems like a very good nurse. She might be a little rough on you if you get on her bad side - but she seems to know what she's doing and what needs to be done to keep you where you need to be. Can a daddy ask for more than that from a nurse?
Anyway, during the update today we found out that you are doing very well. You may go off the breathing machine, but not yet. You also have a heart murmur which is scary but expected of a premature baby. The valve usually closes up on babies that reach full term, but yours will need medicine to do so. However, at this time the doctor is going to wait because the medicine is hard on your kidneys so he wants to wait until you get a little bigger and all your numbers are as perfect as can be.
All in all today was a good day without only a little stress over them adding a picc line.
You're mama spent the early morning hours with you while daddy slept. I know I'm a sleepy head - but the past week as caught up.
When your mama spoke with you after the line as finished - you opened your eyes. Whenever I would speak to you - you would make a mean face at me. I guess speaking to your mama's tummy at night made you kick me because you didn't like me bugging you. Oh well it's nice to know you recognize me.
One last thing. I kind of changed your diaper today - I had a little help from Lorilee, but I picked you up by your legs and slid the diaper under you. I think I did pretty good.
Anyway, I need to get pictures printed for your great grandmother Viola Nicholson Groves.
Love ya
-Daddy Jer
Late update.
Mama and I went down to see you before bed. Your mama changed your diapers. All we hear is good things about you.
Oh Sunday we had Jodie visit us. Jodie was a premature baby more than thirty years ago. She's a healthy woman. She talked to us about touching you. And about talking to you. I think we learned a lot about calming you and maybe a lot about calming ourselves.
I think that covers Sunday - but I can't really say - already days and nights are starting to blur.
Today is Tuesday. Week 24.4 and I have to tell you for all I know it could be Sunday still. Today you had your picc line put in by Lorilee. Lorilee seems like a very good nurse. She might be a little rough on you if you get on her bad side - but she seems to know what she's doing and what needs to be done to keep you where you need to be. Can a daddy ask for more than that from a nurse?
Anyway, during the update today we found out that you are doing very well. You may go off the breathing machine, but not yet. You also have a heart murmur which is scary but expected of a premature baby. The valve usually closes up on babies that reach full term, but yours will need medicine to do so. However, at this time the doctor is going to wait because the medicine is hard on your kidneys so he wants to wait until you get a little bigger and all your numbers are as perfect as can be.
All in all today was a good day without only a little stress over them adding a picc line.
You're mama spent the early morning hours with you while daddy slept. I know I'm a sleepy head - but the past week as caught up.
When your mama spoke with you after the line as finished - you opened your eyes. Whenever I would speak to you - you would make a mean face at me. I guess speaking to your mama's tummy at night made you kick me because you didn't like me bugging you. Oh well it's nice to know you recognize me.
One last thing. I kind of changed your diaper today - I had a little help from Lorilee, but I picked you up by your legs and slid the diaper under you. I think I did pretty good.
Anyway, I need to get pictures printed for your great grandmother Viola Nicholson Groves.
Love ya
-Daddy Jer
Late update.
Mama and I went down to see you before bed. Your mama changed your diapers. All we hear is good things about you.
Tuesday Emails and Prayers
More emails for you my darling.
"Brother,Thanks for the pictures. I love the second picture. Evie Mali is great name. Diana and my parents are praying for Evie and Rahpee's recovery.
Happy Birthday Evie! I told Roger about Evie and he said to tell you both congratulations!
Your humble servant,
Snake Blocker, World Leader"
"Hello Jeremy and Penny,
Thank you for sharing Evie's pictures. My hope and pray for her steady improvement and hoping she will be able to go home with her Mom and Dad pretty soon. I know it's extremely tough for the family but may God bless you, give you all the strength to take care of each other.
Love,
Tien and Cathy"
"You and your family, especially little Evie are in my prayers
Linda Gertz"
"We will keep all three of you in our thoughts.
-Aaron"
"Jer & Rahpee,
You both are parents!!! I'm soooo happy for you both. I saw all the pictures of beautiful Evie. My parents, Diana, and myself pray for you all everyday. My mother said to tell you to keep praying and she is having her church group pray for Evie and Rahpee's recovery too. I can't wait to see her and hold her. I smile every time I see her pictures.
Your humble servant,
Snake Blocker, World Leader"
"Brother,Thanks for the pictures. I love the second picture. Evie Mali is great name. Diana and my parents are praying for Evie and Rahpee's recovery.
Happy Birthday Evie! I told Roger about Evie and he said to tell you both congratulations!
Your humble servant,
Snake Blocker, World Leader"
"Hello Jeremy and Penny,
Thank you for sharing Evie's pictures. My hope and pray for her steady improvement and hoping she will be able to go home with her Mom and Dad pretty soon. I know it's extremely tough for the family but may God bless you, give you all the strength to take care of each other.
Love,
Tien and Cathy"
"You and your family, especially little Evie are in my prayers
Linda Gertz"
"We will keep all three of you in our thoughts.
-Aaron"
"Jer & Rahpee,
You both are parents!!! I'm soooo happy for you both. I saw all the pictures of beautiful Evie. My parents, Diana, and myself pray for you all everyday. My mother said to tell you to keep praying and she is having her church group pray for Evie and Rahpee's recovery too. I can't wait to see her and hold her. I smile every time I see her pictures.
Your humble servant,
Snake Blocker, World Leader"
Skiping Sunday for a quick Monday
It seems like I'm always behind in updating since the weekend has been so crazy. What's amazing is how much is going on in such a short time. I decided I'll talk about Sunday tomorrow - Sunday includes Jodie and Louann.
Anyway today was a good day - well by the time I post this it will be Tuesday already but it was an awesome day anyway.
Why? Well your mama read you a story called "Panckaes" and to top it off picked you up for the first time and kissed you on your head. I wasn't there to take a picture - but she said you relaxed in her hand.
Your mama loves you a lot - she can't wait to get to you daily to spend time just talking to you. I'm still a little scared to touch you - not because I think you're not strong, but simply because I want to minize any germs at all or fluctuations in your habitat. Maybe I'm over doing it - but with all the things that they tell you could happen - I just want to make sure I don't do anything that might upset you.
I just remembered I did my first daddy duty today. A trainee nurse was helping with you today. At first I didn't mind too much (I'm lying) due to the fact she had a mentor. However when your mama went to touch your head I said "We should push the fan button, right?" She blinked looked at the button and said "no you don't have too." Of course I was pretty sure that Jane had told me to do that the previous night (Actually I knew she did). She also made me nervous when she added a blanket to your feet instead of adjusting the cuddle container. Your vitals started to get out of wack and she made adjustments to your levels - which I watched intently - her mentor seemed to pay the changes no mind.
Anyway I came back with your mom to her room and we slept - but I couldn't sleep without thinking I wasn't comfortable with having a trainee even mentored working with you. Of course I understand that all the nurses have to to learn to work with babies like you - but the decided factor that it was all wrong - is that the trainee didn't stop to ask someone about my question.
After a short nap I went back down and talked to Loralee the RN cordinator about my concerns she let me speak as I told her that the nurse was very sweet and caring but I really wanted nurses that had experience. I also told her the above example - which also ended that when I had returned hours later I heard a different mentor tell her to push the button when the doors were open. Loralee said no more trainee nurses would be interacting with you and that in fact she had been asked to insert the line for you (more about that tomorrow) because the doctor wanted the best nurse possible doing it (Loralee would be bumping the mentor that had been orginally assigned for the task). She told me to bring any concerns I had because she wanted to make sure that we felt confident.
My first but not last protective daddy duty had been completed. The next time I have no doubt that I won't hesitate to ponder being nice verses being a dad.
I love you Evie and I'll do my best to project you. I promise.
Anyway today was a good day - well by the time I post this it will be Tuesday already but it was an awesome day anyway.
Why? Well your mama read you a story called "Panckaes" and to top it off picked you up for the first time and kissed you on your head. I wasn't there to take a picture - but she said you relaxed in her hand.
Your mama loves you a lot - she can't wait to get to you daily to spend time just talking to you. I'm still a little scared to touch you - not because I think you're not strong, but simply because I want to minize any germs at all or fluctuations in your habitat. Maybe I'm over doing it - but with all the things that they tell you could happen - I just want to make sure I don't do anything that might upset you.
I just remembered I did my first daddy duty today. A trainee nurse was helping with you today. At first I didn't mind too much (I'm lying) due to the fact she had a mentor. However when your mama went to touch your head I said "We should push the fan button, right?" She blinked looked at the button and said "no you don't have too." Of course I was pretty sure that Jane had told me to do that the previous night (Actually I knew she did). She also made me nervous when she added a blanket to your feet instead of adjusting the cuddle container. Your vitals started to get out of wack and she made adjustments to your levels - which I watched intently - her mentor seemed to pay the changes no mind.
Anyway I came back with your mom to her room and we slept - but I couldn't sleep without thinking I wasn't comfortable with having a trainee even mentored working with you. Of course I understand that all the nurses have to to learn to work with babies like you - but the decided factor that it was all wrong - is that the trainee didn't stop to ask someone about my question.
After a short nap I went back down and talked to Loralee the RN cordinator about my concerns she let me speak as I told her that the nurse was very sweet and caring but I really wanted nurses that had experience. I also told her the above example - which also ended that when I had returned hours later I heard a different mentor tell her to push the button when the doors were open. Loralee said no more trainee nurses would be interacting with you and that in fact she had been asked to insert the line for you (more about that tomorrow) because the doctor wanted the best nurse possible doing it (Loralee would be bumping the mentor that had been orginally assigned for the task). She told me to bring any concerns I had because she wanted to make sure that we felt confident.
My first but not last protective daddy duty had been completed. The next time I have no doubt that I won't hesitate to ponder being nice verses being a dad.
I love you Evie and I'll do my best to project you. I promise.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Saturday. A Flurry of Emotions
Thought I would try to catch up and see if I can remember items I missed so far.
Let's see.
Saturday (Your Birthday) was Long day - with many visitors. Your mama was very sore from the operation, but I think all the visitors helped make the day just a little less stressful.
Visitors:
Aaron & Jesse (Daddy's Friend and Co-worker - Evie's New Encyclopedia)
John & Amy (Daddy's Friend and Co-Worker - Evie's New Teddy Bear)
Frank & Doris (Daddy's Friend and Co-Pilot)
Matt & Tammy (Daddy's Friend and Co-worker)
Bob & Louann Williams (Daddy's Boss)
Grandma Thongthiraj (Where your first name came from)
Auntie Sue (She helped your mama with a very hard four days)
Auntie Aree (She'll be very creative with you)
Auntie Yevon (She also helped your mama with the very hard days)
Auntie Pepeejai
Auntie Molly
Auntie TookTook
That's a lot of people huh? Not to bad of a birthday party. Well, I guess it might have been better if you could have attended in person but we'll save that for next year.
Saturday was also a day that you had several visits directly to your little plastic office. Every one who came to see you said you're beautiful.
Your mama made a trip down as well. She was in a wheel chair and sat next to you. Your mama touched your head for the first time. And she spoke soft words into your ears of her love for you.
Saturday. All in all in was a flurry of emotion. I visited you several times, and I didn't sleep til late that night after running down to video tape you for your mama who couldn't make it down again later that night.
Once I had video in hand I showed you to your mama and then we both slept after being awake for 26 hours straight.
Again, I'm sure more happened that I can't think of - I'm actually thinking I should take a nap right now so I can be wide awake to see you later tonight.
Now if I can just rememeber sunday...
Let's see.
Saturday (Your Birthday) was Long day - with many visitors. Your mama was very sore from the operation, but I think all the visitors helped make the day just a little less stressful.
Visitors:
Aaron & Jesse (Daddy's Friend and Co-worker - Evie's New Encyclopedia)
John & Amy (Daddy's Friend and Co-Worker - Evie's New Teddy Bear)
Frank & Doris (Daddy's Friend and Co-Pilot)
Matt & Tammy (Daddy's Friend and Co-worker)
Bob & Louann Williams (Daddy's Boss)
Grandma Thongthiraj (Where your first name came from)
Auntie Sue (She helped your mama with a very hard four days)
Auntie Aree (She'll be very creative with you)
Auntie Yevon (She also helped your mama with the very hard days)
Auntie Pepeejai
Auntie Molly
Auntie TookTook
That's a lot of people huh? Not to bad of a birthday party. Well, I guess it might have been better if you could have attended in person but we'll save that for next year.
Saturday was also a day that you had several visits directly to your little plastic office. Every one who came to see you said you're beautiful.
Your mama made a trip down as well. She was in a wheel chair and sat next to you. Your mama touched your head for the first time. And she spoke soft words into your ears of her love for you.
Saturday. All in all in was a flurry of emotion. I visited you several times, and I didn't sleep til late that night after running down to video tape you for your mama who couldn't make it down again later that night.
Once I had video in hand I showed you to your mama and then we both slept after being awake for 26 hours straight.
Again, I'm sure more happened that I can't think of - I'm actually thinking I should take a nap right now so I can be wide awake to see you later tonight.
Now if I can just rememeber sunday...
Prayers for Evie
Here are some of the emails that Evie recieved.
"Hi everyone......
I need your prayers for my new Grand daughter..... Her name is EVIE and she was born at 7:00 a.m.. Sat. 12th .... but she is only 6 months.... ( she was ready to see her Daddy and Mama... ) She weighs 1 lb and 7 ozs.... and she is doing well... but she has some mountains to climb in the next few days.... and weeks... So she needs your PRAYERS to get her through each day so she can get her strength and grow...... Heck... and she needs to come visit her Nana... and have me send pictures... to all of YOU ... my extended family... I will keep all of you posted...and I know how much all of you care about me... and mine.... and Prayers are what is needed.... Thank you sooooooooooooo much........!!!God Bless.. you and yours....
Luv all of youPen.... "
"Hi Penny
Got your message about Evie and I would like to say that at least she has this in her favor; she was born under a good sign-she is an Aries and they are tough. I know this for a fact because 4/12 is my birthday. Pen, he's a tough old bird believe me! Evie has our prayers and best wishes. May God bless you and yours. Luv Jean & George"
"My pray to God to look after Evie, may God bless her, gives her all of his loves to help brings her in this world a healthy baby and all the strength she needs. Also may God bless you and all of your love ones to stay strong during these times.
Love, Tien and family"
"My prayers and thoughts are with little Evie...may god bless and keep her.
love Robin"
(this guy is American Indian - guess you know from what he wrote...: )
"My prayers are with you and Evie. I will tell Julian, spiritual leader for Yakama Nation and close friend, to pray for her also. Keep me up todate.
Love you,
Red--
First American
Robert E. RamseyPresident/CEO"
"My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family especially your new
grand daughter. I will say a prayer for her. Keep me posted.
Luv ya,
patty"
"LOTS OF PRAYERS ARE ON THE WAY, YOU HANG IN THERE SHE'LL BE OKAY
LOVE YOU
SANDI"
"Hey Baby! The candles are lit . . .the prayers are headed to you & the kids. The V should be a D...hello! And no . . .I don't just "care about " you and the family....I LOVE YOU!
XXOOMuah! I love you Pen & Jer
Edie"
"My prayers are with her and with your family."
(From David American Distributors)
"Absolutely in my prayers and all of my friends and familys. Keep me posted on how I can help. I luv you."
(From Sue from Hoffmaster)
"Hi Penny,
I will definately have prayers said for her. I know what you and her family are going through. I went through a time of it when my son's twins were born, and Julia was born with a hole in her heart, no rectum and a tethered spine. But with all the prayers and pray chains she was on, she survived and is a happy two year old today. God will watch over her and she will also survive. I am calling my friend who does he prayer chains. our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
God bless, norma"
"Hey Jer!Just wanted to let you know the candles are lit. . . .the prayers and positive thoughts and love are out there. . . . and the "V" in Evie was supposed to be a "D" for Edie! HAHAHAH! Just thought I'd send a little humor too. I know. . . very little humor!Stay positive! It's gonna be ok. If your daughter is as stubborn as you & your mom. . . . you have nothing to worry about!
Love you huge!
Edie"
"hey my brother..thank you so much for keeping me posted... i ant you to know i'm praying for you and baby and mommy.. i wish i was there... i love you very much..and keep in touch and call me anytime....love you bro.. your sis...
max"
"Hello, My name is Norma, and I live in Erie, Pa. I have been friends with your mom Penny for a long time now. She told me about the birth of your little girl, and I had some friends of mine put her on the prayer chains. My son and his wife had a set of twins in February 2006, a girl Julia and a boy Michael. Michael was fine, but Julia was born with a hole in her heart, tethered spine and no rectum. With all the prayers and prayer chains, and support from friends and families she survived and is now two years old. she went through so many surgeries and but now is doing great. And your little Evie will be growing and getting well soon also. Keep the faith and we are all behind you although we have never met, we are close in prayers and support.
God bless all of you,
Norma"
"PennyDO you see how many people are praying for you girlfriend. Now get some rest yourself and get ready to be chasing this little one around when she is 2~! Love ya lots~ Thanks Linda., you are such a good friend to me and now extended friend to my friend Penny!
Warmest Regards,
Sue Salyers
Territory Sales Manager"
"You got it girl, I believe in the power of prayer its what got our guys home to us
Linda Gertz"
"Good Morning everyone!
This is not a chain email, but a very personal request for your prayers. My friend Penny's new Granddaughter Evie is in desperate need of all of our prayers. Please see the email below. This little girl is a fighter and as of this writing is still holding her own. If you could PLEASE keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers I would really appreciate it. Her pictures are posted on this link. Thanks you so much again for your help.
http://www.flickr.com/gp/59309158@N00/m9wdE8
Warmest Regards,
Sue Salyers
Territory Sales Manager"
"Wow - brings back a lot of memories. I will keep them all in my prayers, these will be very difficult and emotional weeks ahead for the family.
J Sharp"
"Hi Penny, Thank you for sharing your pictures with me. What a sweet baby. I know she is a beautiful little girl and will soon be making her grandma, and parents proud and giving you all smiles. I want you to know she is on three prayer chains here in Erie. Below are pictures of Julia who turned 2 in February, and a picture of Julia and Michael her twin. He of course is ahead of her in growth and activities, but she is the oldest and catching right up. Best wishes and remember we are all there for you in heart and prayer
Norma"
"On my prayer list!
Cheryl K. Peters"
"Penny forgot to tell you, Evie is sharing the same birthday as my youngest grandson. So next year we will have to have a Birthday Party for all the grandbabies. Love you so much and you are in my prayers.
Love
Heather"
"Hi everyone......
I need your prayers for my new Grand daughter..... Her name is EVIE and she was born at 7:00 a.m.. Sat. 12th .... but she is only 6 months.... ( she was ready to see her Daddy and Mama... ) She weighs 1 lb and 7 ozs.... and she is doing well... but she has some mountains to climb in the next few days.... and weeks... So she needs your PRAYERS to get her through each day so she can get her strength and grow...... Heck... and she needs to come visit her Nana... and have me send pictures... to all of YOU ... my extended family... I will keep all of you posted...and I know how much all of you care about me... and mine.... and Prayers are what is needed.... Thank you sooooooooooooo much........!!!God Bless.. you and yours....
Luv all of youPen.... "
"Hi Penny
Got your message about Evie and I would like to say that at least she has this in her favor; she was born under a good sign-she is an Aries and they are tough. I know this for a fact because 4/12 is my birthday. Pen, he's a tough old bird believe me! Evie has our prayers and best wishes. May God bless you and yours. Luv Jean & George"
"My pray to God to look after Evie, may God bless her, gives her all of his loves to help brings her in this world a healthy baby and all the strength she needs. Also may God bless you and all of your love ones to stay strong during these times.
Love, Tien and family"
"My prayers and thoughts are with little Evie...may god bless and keep her.
love Robin"
(this guy is American Indian - guess you know from what he wrote...: )
"My prayers are with you and Evie. I will tell Julian, spiritual leader for Yakama Nation and close friend, to pray for her also. Keep me up todate.
Love you,
Red--
First American
Robert E. RamseyPresident/CEO"
"My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family especially your new
grand daughter. I will say a prayer for her. Keep me posted.
Luv ya,
patty"
"LOTS OF PRAYERS ARE ON THE WAY, YOU HANG IN THERE SHE'LL BE OKAY
LOVE YOU
SANDI"
"Hey Baby! The candles are lit . . .the prayers are headed to you & the kids. The V should be a D...hello! And no . . .I don't just "care about " you and the family....I LOVE YOU!
XXOOMuah! I love you Pen & Jer
Edie"
"My prayers are with her and with your family."
(From David American Distributors)
"Absolutely in my prayers and all of my friends and familys. Keep me posted on how I can help. I luv you."
(From Sue from Hoffmaster)
"Hi Penny,
I will definately have prayers said for her. I know what you and her family are going through. I went through a time of it when my son's twins were born, and Julia was born with a hole in her heart, no rectum and a tethered spine. But with all the prayers and pray chains she was on, she survived and is a happy two year old today. God will watch over her and she will also survive. I am calling my friend who does he prayer chains. our thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.
God bless, norma"
"Hey Jer!Just wanted to let you know the candles are lit. . . .the prayers and positive thoughts and love are out there. . . . and the "V" in Evie was supposed to be a "D" for Edie! HAHAHAH! Just thought I'd send a little humor too. I know. . . very little humor!Stay positive! It's gonna be ok. If your daughter is as stubborn as you & your mom. . . . you have nothing to worry about!
Love you huge!
Edie"
"hey my brother..thank you so much for keeping me posted... i ant you to know i'm praying for you and baby and mommy.. i wish i was there... i love you very much..and keep in touch and call me anytime....love you bro.. your sis...
max"
"Hello, My name is Norma, and I live in Erie, Pa. I have been friends with your mom Penny for a long time now. She told me about the birth of your little girl, and I had some friends of mine put her on the prayer chains. My son and his wife had a set of twins in February 2006, a girl Julia and a boy Michael. Michael was fine, but Julia was born with a hole in her heart, tethered spine and no rectum. With all the prayers and prayer chains, and support from friends and families she survived and is now two years old. she went through so many surgeries and but now is doing great. And your little Evie will be growing and getting well soon also. Keep the faith and we are all behind you although we have never met, we are close in prayers and support.
God bless all of you,
Norma"
"PennyDO you see how many people are praying for you girlfriend. Now get some rest yourself and get ready to be chasing this little one around when she is 2~! Love ya lots~ Thanks Linda., you are such a good friend to me and now extended friend to my friend Penny!
Warmest Regards,
Sue Salyers
Territory Sales Manager"
"You got it girl, I believe in the power of prayer its what got our guys home to us
Linda Gertz"
"Good Morning everyone!
This is not a chain email, but a very personal request for your prayers. My friend Penny's new Granddaughter Evie is in desperate need of all of our prayers. Please see the email below. This little girl is a fighter and as of this writing is still holding her own. If you could PLEASE keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers I would really appreciate it. Her pictures are posted on this link. Thanks you so much again for your help.
http://www.flickr.com/gp/59309158@N00/m9wdE8
Warmest Regards,
Sue Salyers
Territory Sales Manager"
"Wow - brings back a lot of memories. I will keep them all in my prayers, these will be very difficult and emotional weeks ahead for the family.
J Sharp"
"Hi Penny, Thank you for sharing your pictures with me. What a sweet baby. I know she is a beautiful little girl and will soon be making her grandma, and parents proud and giving you all smiles. I want you to know she is on three prayer chains here in Erie. Below are pictures of Julia who turned 2 in February, and a picture of Julia and Michael her twin. He of course is ahead of her in growth and activities, but she is the oldest and catching right up. Best wishes and remember we are all there for you in heart and prayer
Norma"
"On my prayer list!
Cheryl K. Peters"
"Penny forgot to tell you, Evie is sharing the same birthday as my youngest grandson. So next year we will have to have a Birthday Party for all the grandbabies. Love you so much and you are in my prayers.
Love
Heather"
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Title: So you couldn't wait huh? or Full Moon This Morning
I couldn't decide if I wanted the first title or the second title so I used both. As you can see by the date of this post - it is now Sunday.
Yesturday - Saturday - April 12th - turned out to be your birthday. It's wild to say that but it's true. There is so much to write down - I don't know where to start and I was so tired by 1am that I'm sure I'll forget a few things - but I'll do my best to tell you about the things I'll never forget.
I guess I'll try to start where I left off.
Your mama was bleeding yesturday morning - and then she started getting pain. Your heart dipped a few times - and the doctor was called. Shortly there after around 6:45am or so the events that lead to your birth were set in motion. A swirl of emotion and a dream like reality - which doesn't reall make since swept over me. Your Dr. arrived and you and your mother were wisked away shortly after the ultra sound revealed your buttocks was exiting the cervix. As your mother and you vanished as I called your auntie Sue.
I was lead to a door across from where you'll be spending a few month being cared for. The door was locked and the nurse swiped her keycard and let me in. I can't rememeber exactly - but I believe your Dr. introduced me to a nurse and then vanished as a bag of blue scrubs was handed to me. "Wash your hands - remove your clothes and put these on".
I washed my hands removed all but my underware and put the blue scrubs on (which i'm going to keep). I asked if my underware were fine and they said "yes, please do!" LOL, but you need to put the scrub shoe covers over my shoes not my bare feet. Oops!
I quickly placed my shoes on and the scrubs over my shoes and then was led to a door. The nurse pointed to a chair in the long hallway and told me to sit down. I walked over, sat down and held on to the mask with both hands.
It was still early morning so the hallway was quiet and dimly lit. To the right of me down the hall were double doors. Just to my right in front of me were several scrub tubs. I waited what seemed like several minutes in the chair sitting there grasping the mask tightly. I looked around and It all seemed so dramatic. Like this momment was all scripted for me. The double doors openned and one by one doctors washed hands while their faces were convered with mask and plastic eye shields. They feet convered with scrub boots.
One by one the nodded and quitely passed enter a door to my far left. Again I was left in dim silence.
After again what seemed like forever two nurses entered. One they introduced themselves, one was a nurse in training. They entered the door. Again silence.
Less than a minute - my hands still tightly grasping the mask - the head nurse entered from the left door. She said "Are you ready? She needs to be strong." I took a few deep breaths my eyes watering a bit. And said "yes". She asked "Does the sight of blood bother you?" I said "I don't think so" One of us said I guess we'll find out.
She lead me to the door. When the door openned a brilliant flood of white light hit my eyes. The room seemed to filled with light - It was almost as if I had died. I can still picture the room and feel the intense emotional awe that swept over me.
In the center of the room your mother lie. Blue material surrounding her. 9 or so people in scrubs, four of them stood silently against the wall. The blue around your mom and the scrubs of the doctors and nurses stood out against the flood of white light. I was led to a chair to the right of your mom, and told not to touch anything blue.
Her arm was on an arm rest and I slipped her prayer beads from my hand to hers. I held it her hand tight and stroked her forehead.
Suddenly a flurry of motion began with the exception of the four people and one trainee nurse that stood against the wall.
I spoke softly to your mom how well she was doing, and she prayed almost silently to herself.
In less than a minute or two or so it seemed - one single small cry was faintly heard and you were lifted high in the air and your cord was cut. The four doctors quickly stepped forward and grabbed you and carried you to a small table in the corner. Their backs turned to me and arms moving and gestures and exchanges occured. Words which I would have to look up, but can't remember now were caught by my ears.
Your mama kept saying "How is my baby?" I kept stroking her head and saying she's fine you did great. Your mama said "I want to see my baby" And to my surprise one of the doctors quickly stridded over and withing you inches front of my face showed you to your mama. Then he turned away packed you into the table and you were gone, as were the four doctors.
I told your doctor it was like in a movie, and that'd i'd probably faint later. She said it now you know what it's like to be a movie star, but that it didn't really feel like a tv show to her. The funny thing now is - I was wrong. As I write this and think back - it was more like your mom was the center of universe and this wonder event was taking place and the rest of the world was gone. I can't explain it but, while I've heard that the usual (boring) natural way of having a baby is amazing, this was more like your parents life (unusual and untraditional) and what seemed like unique event that fewer people experince.
The fear and awe that passed thru me is something I can't ever forget.
Yesturday - Saturday - April 12th - turned out to be your birthday. It's wild to say that but it's true. There is so much to write down - I don't know where to start and I was so tired by 1am that I'm sure I'll forget a few things - but I'll do my best to tell you about the things I'll never forget.
I guess I'll try to start where I left off.
Your mama was bleeding yesturday morning - and then she started getting pain. Your heart dipped a few times - and the doctor was called. Shortly there after around 6:45am or so the events that lead to your birth were set in motion. A swirl of emotion and a dream like reality - which doesn't reall make since swept over me. Your Dr. arrived and you and your mother were wisked away shortly after the ultra sound revealed your buttocks was exiting the cervix. As your mother and you vanished as I called your auntie Sue.
I was lead to a door across from where you'll be spending a few month being cared for. The door was locked and the nurse swiped her keycard and let me in. I can't rememeber exactly - but I believe your Dr. introduced me to a nurse and then vanished as a bag of blue scrubs was handed to me. "Wash your hands - remove your clothes and put these on".
I washed my hands removed all but my underware and put the blue scrubs on (which i'm going to keep). I asked if my underware were fine and they said "yes, please do!" LOL, but you need to put the scrub shoe covers over my shoes not my bare feet. Oops!
I quickly placed my shoes on and the scrubs over my shoes and then was led to a door. The nurse pointed to a chair in the long hallway and told me to sit down. I walked over, sat down and held on to the mask with both hands.
It was still early morning so the hallway was quiet and dimly lit. To the right of me down the hall were double doors. Just to my right in front of me were several scrub tubs. I waited what seemed like several minutes in the chair sitting there grasping the mask tightly. I looked around and It all seemed so dramatic. Like this momment was all scripted for me. The double doors openned and one by one doctors washed hands while their faces were convered with mask and plastic eye shields. They feet convered with scrub boots.
One by one the nodded and quitely passed enter a door to my far left. Again I was left in dim silence.
After again what seemed like forever two nurses entered. One they introduced themselves, one was a nurse in training. They entered the door. Again silence.
Less than a minute - my hands still tightly grasping the mask - the head nurse entered from the left door. She said "Are you ready? She needs to be strong." I took a few deep breaths my eyes watering a bit. And said "yes". She asked "Does the sight of blood bother you?" I said "I don't think so" One of us said I guess we'll find out.
She lead me to the door. When the door openned a brilliant flood of white light hit my eyes. The room seemed to filled with light - It was almost as if I had died. I can still picture the room and feel the intense emotional awe that swept over me.
In the center of the room your mother lie. Blue material surrounding her. 9 or so people in scrubs, four of them stood silently against the wall. The blue around your mom and the scrubs of the doctors and nurses stood out against the flood of white light. I was led to a chair to the right of your mom, and told not to touch anything blue.
Her arm was on an arm rest and I slipped her prayer beads from my hand to hers. I held it her hand tight and stroked her forehead.
Suddenly a flurry of motion began with the exception of the four people and one trainee nurse that stood against the wall.
I spoke softly to your mom how well she was doing, and she prayed almost silently to herself.
In less than a minute or two or so it seemed - one single small cry was faintly heard and you were lifted high in the air and your cord was cut. The four doctors quickly stepped forward and grabbed you and carried you to a small table in the corner. Their backs turned to me and arms moving and gestures and exchanges occured. Words which I would have to look up, but can't remember now were caught by my ears.
Your mama kept saying "How is my baby?" I kept stroking her head and saying she's fine you did great. Your mama said "I want to see my baby" And to my surprise one of the doctors quickly stridded over and withing you inches front of my face showed you to your mama. Then he turned away packed you into the table and you were gone, as were the four doctors.
I told your doctor it was like in a movie, and that'd i'd probably faint later. She said it now you know what it's like to be a movie star, but that it didn't really feel like a tv show to her. The funny thing now is - I was wrong. As I write this and think back - it was more like your mom was the center of universe and this wonder event was taking place and the rest of the world was gone. I can't explain it but, while I've heard that the usual (boring) natural way of having a baby is amazing, this was more like your parents life (unusual and untraditional) and what seemed like unique event that fewer people experince.
The fear and awe that passed thru me is something I can't ever forget.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Long night
Tonight is kind long. So far its not so bad but they say your heart rate is dipping sometimes.
They put your mama on O2
Please dont come yet its still too early.
Bleeding
I didnt mention this or maybe i did but your mama started bleeding today - rn rachel just came in to check - shes a nice girl - your mama appears not to be bleeding now.
Every moment you stay inside increases your health outside. Please stay where are little girl.
Anyway your mama is hanging in there. So are you. I have to admit that the past few days have escalated my fears that you are coming sooner than later.
I joked about a month ago that i didnt know which was coming first - you or the new couch .... Please dont beat the couch.
Im gonna sleep now. Im on a cot next to you and your mama.
Hang in there sweetheart.
24 weeks 1 hour
Well baby your mama made it to week 24. She is still having a hard time though and today she started bleeding a bit.
I'm pretty scared because 24 weeks gives. you a 25% chance at life and then a possibility of various handicaps.
Its about 2am now and i just finished rubbing your mamas back. I tell her that shes done great and making it to 24 weeks is a major positive. We talk about how you are a strong girl and your going to be one of those 25% who come out alive and strong. We talk about no matter how things turn out your mama is doing her best to give you the best chances possible.
I can tell she's scared but she doesnt cry. She's being and strong and she can be and I know your going to do well no matter what.
She's asleep now - she sleeps about 6 hours a day - hopefully she can stay asleep awhile longer tonight.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I'm at home for a little while.
I wanted to make sure that using email was working with blogger. It does.
I couldn't finish the last post because your mama kept waking up. Your Auntie Sue came back and is currently taking care of you.
I came home to pick up some glasses for your mom, and a few other things. I was going to sleep until 10 but I just can't sleep anymore tonight I really need to get out of this house and back to the hospital.
Anyway, I took a picture. It sounds stupid to say that, but I did. You might ask me why did you take that awful picture, and I'll tell you that up to this point I wondered if I could be a good daddy. Could become so attached to you like they are in the movies that when something bad happens to my little girl I'll feel it down to my core. Tonight I have no doubt I can be a good daddy. My heart is breaking right now and I can't remembered the last time i cried, but every word i write tears are falling down my face and I'm so scared your never going to be able to read this stupid blog.
I already forgot the picture part. I took a picture because I know that I can be the best dad for you and i wanted to capture the moment I knew it and I don't ever want to forget .
I'm asking for prayers for you, your great grandma is praying for you, all of my coworkers, all of my family, people I don't even know are praying for you.
This was going to be my private blog for you but maybe, just maybe that if people read this and give you a little prayer - Maybe just post a comment that they are praying for a little 23.6 week old baby girl - that I'll be able to show you someday and you'll know that you were loved before you were even born.
I have to get back to the hospital being alone here is worse - I don't even have water eyes there. So I can help your mama be strong.
I couldn't finish the last post because your mama kept waking up. Your Auntie Sue came back and is currently taking care of you.
I came home to pick up some glasses for your mom, and a few other things. I was going to sleep until 10 but I just can't sleep anymore tonight I really need to get out of this house and back to the hospital.
Anyway, I took a picture. It sounds stupid to say that, but I did. You might ask me why did you take that awful picture, and I'll tell you that up to this point I wondered if I could be a good daddy. Could become so attached to you like they are in the movies that when something bad happens to my little girl I'll feel it down to my core. Tonight I have no doubt I can be a good daddy. My heart is breaking right now and I can't remembered the last time i cried, but every word i write tears are falling down my face and I'm so scared your never going to be able to read this stupid blog.
I already forgot the picture part. I took a picture because I know that I can be the best dad for you and i wanted to capture the moment I knew it and I don't ever want to forget .
I'm asking for prayers for you, your great grandma is praying for you, all of my coworkers, all of my family, people I don't even know are praying for you.
This was going to be my private blog for you but maybe, just maybe that if people read this and give you a little prayer - Maybe just post a comment that they are praying for a little 23.6 week old baby girl - that I'll be able to show you someday and you'll know that you were loved before you were even born.
I have to get back to the hospital being alone here is worse - I don't even have water eyes there. So I can help your mama be strong.
Whats what and whos doing what
Okay here goes another entry hopefully blogger is (crap you just kicked your mama hard and woke her up) brb
K mamas not feeling well. Ill try to post again later.
Mama's doing her best
Well i know i havent posted much here for you to read. From now on ill do my best so you know every detail about how much your mama loves you.
She had some trouble with you the other day. Hopefully youll behave in the future.
I think its been two days already in the hospitol. Your bag is not staying where it should. Your mama is on her back doing her best to make sure you dont come to early. If you know your mama as well as i do she doesnt take feeling bad very well, but ill tell you she is doing really good right now for you.
I'm writing all this on a very crappy little keyboard phone called a blackberry. I dont know if these are around in the future im sure iphone version 20 is what you use now or maybe there is a headgear that can read your thoughts. For now i gotta tell you typing on this thing sucks.
Anyway, the point of this post (sorry i still suck at blogging) is that your mama is being a brave girl for you and that right now she is doing her best while feeling terrible. Do me a favor dont come out yet. As i sit here typing this your mama is taking quick deep breaths (i think shes asleep). I hear your heart beat and more often than not i hear you kick her.
Not sure how long this can be so ill send this one and write a new one.
Love
Your daddy
Friday, March 28, 2008
And then I saw your face! Now I'm a believer!
I haven't wrote very much. I apologize. I'm not big on blogging.
Anyway, the big news today is I saw your face. Pretty amazing. Now I really can't wait until you get here!
So hurry up!
Anyway, the big news today is I saw your face. Pretty amazing. Now I really can't wait until you get here!
So hurry up!
Monday, December 10, 2007
I'm not going to even read what I last wrote
Okay, I didn't read what I last wrote. I'm just going to start here with my current state of mind. First off we went to the doctor today. And can you guess what we saw? Your little heart. Indeed just yours. You're an only child thus far.
What an amazing thing to see - a little possibility no larger than a grain of rice, and yet there it was on the screen your little heart beating like a little firefly. Do fireflies blink fast? Maybe the flapping wings of a itty bitty hummingbird would work better as a description. :)
Anyway, even though I see the beginnings of you, my mind jumps around all over. How can I help you to be the happiest person you can be? How do I teach you all of the possibilities that you will have in your life?
I keep thinking to myself that I want to tell you that the world is huge and it's all yours to see. I want to tell you that you can be whatever you want to be. All this keeps jumping in my mind and I think how I'm so anxious to see you grown up so you can read these words and if I've done right - you'll nod your head and say you were right dad er... daddy? - maybe pop? or pa? I guess we'll have to see what you end up calling me. And at the same time I think to myself - "Are you crazy Jer?! You'll be 60 years old and on the way out!" LOL
Goodness when you're around 20 I'll be nearly 60 and your mom will be also. That makes me kind of sad in away - cause I fear that I won't be too healthy by then. I have a terrible stomach that for the past couple of years has forced me to the hospital for treatment. My feet hurt - my jaw pops - my left eye sucks - and this is all at 37! Oh boy... I feel bad for you - I hope you're not pushing around a wheelchair!
Anyway (again) where was I? Sorry, I guess I got off track. The main point of writing to day - was to say I saw your little heart beat and for the first time I came to the realization that you and I are going to meet each other face to face.
I'm still scared to write too much about my thoughts. Fearful that something negative might happen. It's been a tough little road to travel to get you here. At one point I thought it might never come to be - Your mother's body wasn't cooperating with us. I'm sure she wrote in her blog about this already.
You are a gift.
Your special because you decided to have us for your parents. Sounds silly doesn't it? Let me tell you though I never knew how difficult it would be to meet your acquaintance (thank god for spell checking). I told your mother that we would have to stop trying if it didn't work out the 2nd time around, but every time I said those words I kind of knew we would keep trying to bring you into this world.
God, it's so scary knowing that I've been given a chance to be the father I never had. What does that mean? It means... It means that I want to love you unconditionally. No matter if there comes a time when we don't get along or maybe your out finding yourself - or god forbid you make terrible decisions (you know like realllllly bad ones). But... you know what? No matter what, I'm going to be that father that never stops loving you. I might be sad, but I'll never give up on you. There are many other things I could say here, but they don't matter. What matters is that regardless of what I write here - I will have surpassed my best intentions. That I've guided you to be a good person. A happy person. And that I've cause you no sorrow. No sadness.
Anyway (dare I say again?) at 9 weeks they say you are a 99.9% reality. Am I being negative? No I'm just worried. And still can't believe you are on your way.
Hopefully I don't write the same old stuff again and again. Hopefully I'll get better and maybe even entertain you. Did I mention my memory sucks? Maybe this will help me tell you stories later on when I'm drooling and in a wheelchair. :)
-Daddy Jer
What an amazing thing to see - a little possibility no larger than a grain of rice, and yet there it was on the screen your little heart beating like a little firefly. Do fireflies blink fast? Maybe the flapping wings of a itty bitty hummingbird would work better as a description. :)
Anyway, even though I see the beginnings of you, my mind jumps around all over. How can I help you to be the happiest person you can be? How do I teach you all of the possibilities that you will have in your life?
I keep thinking to myself that I want to tell you that the world is huge and it's all yours to see. I want to tell you that you can be whatever you want to be. All this keeps jumping in my mind and I think how I'm so anxious to see you grown up so you can read these words and if I've done right - you'll nod your head and say you were right dad er... daddy? - maybe pop? or pa? I guess we'll have to see what you end up calling me. And at the same time I think to myself - "Are you crazy Jer?! You'll be 60 years old and on the way out!" LOL
Goodness when you're around 20 I'll be nearly 60 and your mom will be also. That makes me kind of sad in away - cause I fear that I won't be too healthy by then. I have a terrible stomach that for the past couple of years has forced me to the hospital for treatment. My feet hurt - my jaw pops - my left eye sucks - and this is all at 37! Oh boy... I feel bad for you - I hope you're not pushing around a wheelchair!
Anyway (again) where was I? Sorry, I guess I got off track. The main point of writing to day - was to say I saw your little heart beat and for the first time I came to the realization that you and I are going to meet each other face to face.
I'm still scared to write too much about my thoughts. Fearful that something negative might happen. It's been a tough little road to travel to get you here. At one point I thought it might never come to be - Your mother's body wasn't cooperating with us. I'm sure she wrote in her blog about this already.
You are a gift.
Your special because you decided to have us for your parents. Sounds silly doesn't it? Let me tell you though I never knew how difficult it would be to meet your acquaintance (thank god for spell checking). I told your mother that we would have to stop trying if it didn't work out the 2nd time around, but every time I said those words I kind of knew we would keep trying to bring you into this world.
God, it's so scary knowing that I've been given a chance to be the father I never had. What does that mean? It means... It means that I want to love you unconditionally. No matter if there comes a time when we don't get along or maybe your out finding yourself - or god forbid you make terrible decisions (you know like realllllly bad ones). But... you know what? No matter what, I'm going to be that father that never stops loving you. I might be sad, but I'll never give up on you. There are many other things I could say here, but they don't matter. What matters is that regardless of what I write here - I will have surpassed my best intentions. That I've guided you to be a good person. A happy person. And that I've cause you no sorrow. No sadness.
Anyway (dare I say again?) at 9 weeks they say you are a 99.9% reality. Am I being negative? No I'm just worried. And still can't believe you are on your way.
Hopefully I don't write the same old stuff again and again. Hopefully I'll get better and maybe even entertain you. Did I mention my memory sucks? Maybe this will help me tell you stories later on when I'm drooling and in a wheelchair. :)
-Daddy Jer
Monday, November 12, 2007
Day 1 second try...
Well, this is my first post on a blog just to let you know I was here. I must be feeling lucky. I've had your mother and I do a little bit of video recording. Something to let you know later on in life how we were feeling before you were even announced that you'd be coming into our life.
It's around 10:48. I'm feeling anxious. I'm tired but I don't think I can want to sleep. This is the hardest part of the whole thing - waiting to see if you're going to be who you are.
It takes up to 3 days for you to do the little bit of magic you need to do. And then on November 26th - yep my birthday - your arrival will hopefully be announced. I'd like to say it will be - but you've delayed your arrival before - and I would hate for you to do it again.
Your mother and I watched a movie. Um... Miss Potter. We ate sandwiches from Togo's (Do they still have these in the future?) :)
I played Call of Duty 2. (Hmmm I wonder if I'm still a gamer in the future) and then I decided to write this blog. I'll invite your mom as well, perhaps she'll have something more interesting to say.
Gosh, I'm boring aren't I? Oh well, Someday you'll read these silly words.
You know one thing that comes to mind is the movie Father of the Bride II - It's not the best movie - Actually I think the first one was better. The point is - there is a part near the end where the father is holding two babies - one from his wife, the other from his daughter. If I remember right there is a voiceover that says something along the lines of that "at that moment he knew it was what life is all about". My eyes watered then at the point in the movie, I must have been 21 years old at that time. And right now when I think about the possibility that is you - my eyes water and I think I realize that maybe that's the moment I've been searching for.
Maybe that doesn't make sense.
Anyway, maybe my next entry I'll talk about some fears I have. Everyone has them, most people don't talk about them, but I think I should write them down for you. Maybe someday my fears will explain something I did and you couldn't figure out why I did it. Perhaps maybe it will just let you know who I am more than I could ever tell you in person. For now all this will be hidden away and waiting for you.
Hidden on the Internet... hmmm that's silly. Oh well... Maybe it will just be here waiting for you to read it when you're ready to do so.
I don't know who you are, but I love you. And if you never read this I love who you could have been. That sounds a bit negative, I know - but to be honest I'm scared of that possibility. Scared of not bringing you into this crazy world. Scared of not being able to watch you grow, talk back, become a royal pain, and of course read this someday to criticize my grammar.
Oh enough is enough. Let's get day one of our second trial over with.
Love ya future baby(s)!
Is there one or two of ya? Okay okay... I'll be patient.
-Daddy Jer
It's around 10:48. I'm feeling anxious. I'm tired but I don't think I can want to sleep. This is the hardest part of the whole thing - waiting to see if you're going to be who you are.
It takes up to 3 days for you to do the little bit of magic you need to do. And then on November 26th - yep my birthday - your arrival will hopefully be announced. I'd like to say it will be - but you've delayed your arrival before - and I would hate for you to do it again.
Your mother and I watched a movie. Um... Miss Potter. We ate sandwiches from Togo's (Do they still have these in the future?) :)
I played Call of Duty 2. (Hmmm I wonder if I'm still a gamer in the future) and then I decided to write this blog. I'll invite your mom as well, perhaps she'll have something more interesting to say.
Gosh, I'm boring aren't I? Oh well, Someday you'll read these silly words.
You know one thing that comes to mind is the movie Father of the Bride II - It's not the best movie - Actually I think the first one was better. The point is - there is a part near the end where the father is holding two babies - one from his wife, the other from his daughter. If I remember right there is a voiceover that says something along the lines of that "at that moment he knew it was what life is all about". My eyes watered then at the point in the movie, I must have been 21 years old at that time. And right now when I think about the possibility that is you - my eyes water and I think I realize that maybe that's the moment I've been searching for.
Maybe that doesn't make sense.
Anyway, maybe my next entry I'll talk about some fears I have. Everyone has them, most people don't talk about them, but I think I should write them down for you. Maybe someday my fears will explain something I did and you couldn't figure out why I did it. Perhaps maybe it will just let you know who I am more than I could ever tell you in person. For now all this will be hidden away and waiting for you.
Hidden on the Internet... hmmm that's silly. Oh well... Maybe it will just be here waiting for you to read it when you're ready to do so.
I don't know who you are, but I love you. And if you never read this I love who you could have been. That sounds a bit negative, I know - but to be honest I'm scared of that possibility. Scared of not bringing you into this crazy world. Scared of not being able to watch you grow, talk back, become a royal pain, and of course read this someday to criticize my grammar.
Oh enough is enough. Let's get day one of our second trial over with.
Love ya future baby(s)!
Is there one or two of ya? Okay okay... I'll be patient.
-Daddy Jer
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