Trying to be parents again

This is harder than it was before.

I want to jump in here and talk to you. Tell you how I feel. Your sister died roughly four months ago. I'm in a different state of mind now. As I type this I'm full of fears. Do I dare start writing my thoughts down to you? If I do, who am I talking to? I used to be able to picture your sister to some extent. At least I had an idea of who I thought she might be. Now I'm torn between talking to a baby I don't know yet, or an adult I may never know.

Fear.

I tell your mother not to worry, not to be fearful, but positive. We lost Evie Mali, but we won't surrender our parenthood.

This is honestly difficult to write. Today we did the IVF and I simply am cautious with my words. If I speak to you as I spoke to Evie Mali, will my heart end up breaking again? If I go to film each moment will I feel the same wonder and magic or only fear each time the blue screen comes up?

Fear.

It honestly has me in it's web and I have to fight it. I think I'll wait until we at least know you're truly a possibility. And when that time comes I'll push away the fear and await your arrival.

Truth be told... I'm scared.