Saying Goodbye.

I don't know where I last left off.

I didn't look back and read anything today was the hardest day of my life. And writing this just got even harder knowing you'll never read these words.

I'm not going to go crazy tonight writing mad words of hurt, anger, or sadness.

I'm just going to write my final thoughts to you as you lie sleeping yards away.

This morning you had low blood pressure and we were called in the early morning. Your mama and I went down to you and stood by your bed. Lorilee worked on you continuasly all day, try to get your stats to a stable set of numbers.

Your aunt Sue later went down and sat with your mama and then later on auntie Tooktook came down with me and we watching you quietly sleeping while Lorilee kept working on you. Your Auntie Peejai prayed by the window. Your auntie Tooktook cried a little - something she rarely does - she loves you as do we all.

We were notified that it was very possible that their is blood in your stomach from the operation. They called Dr. Stein in to reevaulate you.

Before they did that they took xrays and checked your brain.

The doctors later came to see us in our room. Mama family was here. He notified us that your brain was had bleed. He tried to explain the different types of bleeding. Both doctors were scencere and I could tell they didn't want to tell us the facts - but I knew it was better to hear the truth now then to pretend that everything was going to be okay.

The doctor's explain that earlier you had level 3 bleeding in the brain. They later came back after doing another scan and verified that you had not only a level 4 bleed in the brain, but your ceribella area was bleeding as well.

I told them I understand. They left leaving us to cry. As I held your mama and told her I'm sorry I can't fix it, that we had to let you go.

Right now I picture you sleeping - and I wish I could read this to you so I knew you at least got to hear your daddy's words. I wish I could do that - but I don't think I would through more than 3 words. I can barely write this.

Anyway it's almost 9pm I assume your stats are stable, but my little girl Evie Mali has gone with God, or maybe you're just waiting a bit longer to say goodbye to your mama and your daddy.

Over the 6 days we had to spend with you - I saw you make expressions, hold your mama's hand, kick your legs, sleepy with your hands on your chest, and sometimes with your hand on your chest. I heard you cry once at your birth, and I saw you open your eyes to look at no one else but your mama - when you heard her voice. When you heard my voice you made mean eye brows, I like to think that it was because I used to wake you up in the middle of the night and you would kick me in your mama's stomach.

For these 6 days you made my life worth so muchmore than i could ever imagine. And now on what seems like the eve of you leaving us, my heart is breaking and I know that those six days were worth every momemnt we had with you.

I like to think there is a reason God put all these good people in your path. Why such nice people watched over you and protected you and tried to make your life the best possible.

The reason eludes me right now, as you lie sleeping. It escapes me why such a little girl couldn't stay with me so much longer. I know that you gave us time to know that both your parents could be a great mama and a great daddy, but I don't understand why I didn't have more time with you to help you learn. To help you grow. To help you be the woman I know you would have been. All my day dreams of you are so vivid that knowing I'll have to put them to rest with you will be the most difficult thing in the world. I've seen you date, I've seen you sing, and dance. I've seen me be a proud papa and watch you hang around your cousins playing star wars. I heard you talk back and I've seen you smile and laugh. And now very soon we'll have to say goodbye to you and I don't understand why.

Tomorrow I'll look at you in person for the last time. You were perfect in every way. Even your name was perfect.

I love you so much - your mama loves you so much. I wish I could keep you, but to hold on to you now would not be for you, but us.

So I'll cry like i've never cried before and I'll never forget you nor will your mother your aunts or our friends.

Your 6 days touched many people. I won't ever let you truely go.

I love you sweetheart. And so hope that there truely is a time when we can meet again. You might call that lack of faith, but it's your daddy being your daddy and he doesn't understand why you couldn't stay.

I love you Evie Mali. I love everthing about you and every moment we had. Sleep with the angels. I watch over your mama and I. I think we need you far more than you ever needed us.
-Daddy Jer