I'm not going to even read what I last wrote

Okay, I didn't read what I last wrote. I'm just going to start here with my current state of mind. First off we went to the doctor today. And can you guess what we saw? Your little heart. Indeed just yours. You're an only child thus far.

What an amazing thing to see - a little possibility no larger than a grain of rice, and yet there it was on the screen your little heart beating like a little firefly. Do fireflies blink fast? Maybe the flapping wings of a itty bitty hummingbird would work better as a description. :)

Anyway, even though I see the beginnings of you, my mind jumps around all over. How can I help you to be the happiest person you can be? How do I teach you all of the possibilities that you will have in your life?

I keep thinking to myself that I want to tell you that the world is huge and it's all yours to see. I want to tell you that you can be whatever you want to be. All this keeps jumping in my mind and I think how I'm so anxious to see you grown up so you can read these words and if I've done right - you'll nod your head and say you were right dad er... daddy? - maybe pop? or pa? I guess we'll have to see what you end up calling me. And at the same time I think to myself - "Are you crazy Jer?! You'll be 60 years old and on the way out!" LOL

Goodness when you're around 20 I'll be nearly 60 and your mom will be also. That makes me kind of sad in away - cause I fear that I won't be too healthy by then. I have a terrible stomach that for the past couple of years has forced me to the hospital for treatment. My feet hurt - my jaw pops - my left eye sucks - and this is all at 37! Oh boy... I feel bad for you - I hope you're not pushing around a wheelchair!

Anyway (again) where was I? Sorry, I guess I got off track. The main point of writing to day - was to say I saw your little heart beat and for the first time I came to the realization that you and I are going to meet each other face to face.

I'm still scared to write too much about my thoughts. Fearful that something negative might happen. It's been a tough little road to travel to get you here. At one point I thought it might never come to be - Your mother's body wasn't cooperating with us. I'm sure she wrote in her blog about this already.

You are a gift.

Your special because you decided to have us for your parents. Sounds silly doesn't it? Let me tell you though I never knew how difficult it would be to meet your acquaintance (thank god for spell checking). I told your mother that we would have to stop trying if it didn't work out the 2nd time around, but every time I said those words I kind of knew we would keep trying to bring you into this world.

God, it's so scary knowing that I've been given a chance to be the father I never had. What does that mean? It means... It means that I want to love you unconditionally. No matter if there comes a time when we don't get along or maybe your out finding yourself - or god forbid you make terrible decisions (you know like realllllly bad ones). But... you know what? No matter what, I'm going to be that father that never stops loving you. I might be sad, but I'll never give up on you. There are many other things I could say here, but they don't matter. What matters is that regardless of what I write here - I will have surpassed my best intentions. That I've guided you to be a good person. A happy person. And that I've cause you no sorrow. No sadness.

Anyway (dare I say again?) at 9 weeks they say you are a 99.9% reality. Am I being negative? No I'm just worried. And still can't believe you are on your way.

Hopefully I don't write the same old stuff again and again. Hopefully I'll get better and maybe even entertain you. Did I mention my memory sucks? Maybe this will help me tell you stories later on when I'm drooling and in a wheelchair. :)

-Daddy Jer